“When you’re operating in your sexual power, you become an unstoppable maniac in your life.”
– Jaime Elizabeth Thompson
Have you ever imagined your sex life could be a source of healing? A source of inspiration? Or a source of empowerment outside the bedroom?
Men, have you ever imagined you could be all the above for your partner? Whether you answer yes, no, or something in between… read on.
The eleventh week of my Man Uncivilized training course is dedicated to having each participant own his sexual power and desires—and the shame he carries around them. In that week, each man comes to terms with whatever unique flavor of sexuality he possesses, how it presents in his daily life, and where he wants to go with it.
The commonalities in the conversations that week are prevalent despite the men being from completely opposite ends of the globe and living lives that vary from high-powered attorney to creative artist.
Because sex is a big deal.
Perhaps the biggest of deals to most people. Yet, for most men, we’re never taught the tremendous opportunities that lie buried within the energies of our sexuality. In this article, we’re going to look at the role of shame, as well as the undeniable power of sex as a healing and inspirational experience.
For the civilized masses, sex goes no further than the physical, cumbersome friction on a mostly drunken night. But not for the men of the Uncivilized Nation.
Not for you.
SHAME AND SEXUAL EXPRESSION
Sex is our deepest form of expression and the one most heavily shamed and/or suppressed by familial or societal experiences. Therefore, most men (and women) walk around on a day-to-day basis with a massive part of ourselves feeling shamed and unexpressed.
Sex is vulnerability in the truest sense of the word. We must disrobe and reveal ourselves to our partners for the physical activity to take place. And we must do the same with our emotional armor for any worthwhile connection to take place. Thus, being shamed sexually, either on purpose or by accident, is not only common but leaves the deepest of wounds.
By the time a man reaches adulthood, the opportunities to have collected sexual scarring are plentiful. He could have been laughed at for poor performance, teased for a size concern, or have had a personal desire put down by a partner.
Truly the sky’s the limit when it comes to how we can be made to feel like shit over wanting someone to suck on our toes and call us “Big Papi.” Trust me; this is a journey I’ve had to walk myself.
Shame is the reason 50 Shades sold five trillion copies, and the porn industry rivals Big Pharma, but most men can’t say to their partners, “I want you to look me in the eye when you suck my dick,” without having their voices crack like school girls.
Shame is the same reason men have a conflict saying that to the woman they love but can say it to the woman they’re cheating on her with due to the lack of emotional investment.
If we imagine our self-esteem to be like a Jenga puzzle, the straighter and sturdier our base, the less likely we are to be tipped over in day-to-day interactions or have any errant pieces sticking out the side. Because our sexuality is such a base-level experience, our wounds and shaming live deep. They live at the bottom of our puzzle.
They’re the pieces of the foundation that are missing or skewed, so everything above them is a tad off-kilter.
Thus, when we make peace with who we truly are in our sexuality and with our sexual desires (having your toes sucked on feels amazing, by the way), we have the opportunity to reorganize the pieces of our puzzle and sturdy everything above them.
Herein lies a massive opportunity.
BECOMING A HERO
Imagine, for a second, being a facilitator for your partner. Being someone who has demonstrated so much trust, integrity, and space-holding ability that your partner is willing to completely surrender sexually and explore every aspect of herself.
Imagine looking deeply into your partner’s eyes as she says, “There’s a part of me that has yet to be expressed and has always carried a tremendous amount of shame. I want you to ravish me. Take me, tie me to your bed, and do what you want with me. Don’t ask me a single question other than if I am yours and yours alone. Only if I say ‘red’ does everything stop.”
Now. Take a deep breath.
Imagine being fully present with her through that entire experience, all the while taking full responsibility for holding the integrity of the room —which in non-life coachy jargon means you’re going to be there no matter what transpires. You’re not going to run away, check out, or freak out — no matter what.
You’re going to be there to hold her and yourself whether she douses the sheets or taps out and bawls uncontrollably in your arms two minutes in. You got her, come floods or tears, and everything in between.
And before that, you got you. You’re a goddamn rock with the heart the size of Texas and balls to match.
Now. Take another deep breath.
Imagine what both of your lives will be like an hour after this experience, a day later, a week later. Or if this was a weekly occurrence in your relationship.
Her: getting to express a deep-seated part of her being, something that has longed to come to the surface and be witnessed but hasn’t been able to. Something that has either been suppressed or shamed has now come up and out. She is free of it, free to experience, free to be exactly who she is.
You: getting to be the provider and protector of the space within which all of this happens.
…she got to have that extraordinary expression infused with the most powerful energy on earth—sexual energy. It’s as if that hour of her life was hooked up to a million car batteries and supercharged.
Think of the reorganization of the Jenga pieces. Think of the foundation from which she gets to live her life. Think of the role you played in this. You want to be a god in the bedroom? Awesome. In this case, you also get to be a hero. Her hero.
You get to be a healer. And $7 says you get your toes sucked as often as you like when this is your role in her life. You tracking this, Paps?!
How you fuck your woman is how you fuck the world
But before you can handle the extraordinary sexual expression of the fully expressed feminine, you’ve got to have yourself fully actualized.
To do this, look at where you hold your own sexual shame. Until you can speak your own wounds and your own desires, you’ll have no space to hold hers.
Then, check in to see how it affects your life elsewhere. Because: “How you fuck your woman is how you fuck the world, gents.”
Think about that for the day.
Are you timid and ashamed of your desires? Are you overbearing and selfish in bed? Is your intention to take for your own benefit or to give to and awaken her? Ask yourself the same questions about your fitness, business, and spiritual life. Another $7 says they match up.
Here is what no one ever pulls us aside and explains during sixth-grade sex-ed class. Here’s what none of the fellas will tell you when they’re shooting the shit on Sunday morning comparing conquests in college. Here’s the greatest truth you’re going to read all fucking week:
When a woman opens her heart and legs and welcomes you in, she is providing you with a portal to the divine.
When you merge with her and open her up fully, you literally put your mouth on a direct line to god, whoever that is to you. This is creation. You’re privy to the inspiration behind every frickin poem, song, and piece of art on the planet. You want to taste literal magic? Close your eyes and inhale deeply.
Meditate on that. Seriously.
If you haven’t sorted out that when you’re with your woman sexually, you’re interacting with the same space through which human life enters the world, then brother, you need to go read a book or two. Or re-watch Raiders of the Lost Ark.
Think about that monumental fact if the current extent of your sexual awareness ends at trying to figure out how to drunkenly finger-fuck Tinder dates after your third courage-inducing gin and tonic.
You’re missing the boat—all of it. You’re dry-humping the surface of spiritual transformation. This goes beyond toes sucking and into the realm of the sacred. Still with me? Because, let me say it again: “How you fuck your woman is how you fuck the world, gents.”
OWN YOUR LIFE FIRST
Step 1 is to own your shit, gents. Do your work. Go to therapy and sort your issues with your ex, your mom, and with women at large. Quit jerking off to your computer screen. Spend more time in meditation than you do with your dick in your hand.
Grow up in every sense of the phrase. Get intimate with yourself.
With your fears, shame, and desires.
Step 2 is to own your freak. Own your desire. Or lack thereof. Own all of it. Unapologetically. As long as it pertains to consenting adults, own it. Proudly. Breathe it. Be okay with it. Be more than okay with it.
Let it turn you into an unstoppable maniac in your life. Let it uncivilize you…
Author of "Today I Rise" and Man "UNcivilized"
About the Author
Traver is inspiring millions of men around the world to shift their experience of masculinity by combining the Primal Masculine with the Divine Masculine.
Author of the books “Today I Rise” and “Man UNcivilized”, he’s also a two-time TEDx speaker, storyteller, podcast host, and founder of the UNcivilized Men’s Movement. Formerly a Strength & Conditioning coach, CrossFit gym owner, MMA fighter, bodyguard, and still a licensed acupuncturist, avid meditator and mediocre surfer.
With a passion for people and a unique lens through which to view the human experience, Traver is a highly sought-after transformational coach in the fields of consciousness, relationship, and personal development.